The Trial

Good Morning the worm your honour!  The crown will plainly show the prisoner that now stands before you was caught red-handed showing feelings, feelings of an almost human nature!

This will not do.

Call the School master!

...

*Voices rise in unison*

Tear Down the Wall!

Tear Down the Wall!

Tear Down the Wall!

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and Early for the daily races,  going nowhere, going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow, no tommorrow, no tommorrow.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
but when people run in circles it's a very, very mad world,
mad world.

Children waiting for the day they feel good.
Happy birthday, happy birthday.
When they feel the way every child should.
Sit and listen, sit and listen.
Went to school and I was very nervous,
noone knew me, noone knew me.
Hello teacher, tell me whats my lesson,
look right through me, look right through me.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
but when people run in circles it's a very, very mad world...
mad world...

enlargen your world... 

Et Tu?

Et Tu, Brutus?

Are you going to already?  What are you waiting for?  Stab me like all your friends have done, its nothing new.  I lie in the puddle of my own blood for even trying to bring a change to this Empire.  You see that dagger in your hand?  It belongs in my heart, thats where it goes.  I am already dying,  end my suffering already.  I am truly sorry that you just couldn't stand me changing things, and I am truly sorry for that.

-Brutus strikes forward,  Julius is slain, and Brutus runs out of the senate-

Oh Thine Heart, Why Does thy Doth Burn?

I don't even know whats going on anymore, everytime I start to have an extreme sense of an emotion I just drug myself down (the people of my Spanish II class see me the most like this.).  Today was ok, Geometry went fine, then Gym passed by, in PC Support I the server/power was down so we sat around, and at some point we just all took our cells and played ringtones for ten minutes, after lunch we watched White Fang.  Right before Spanish started I saw her again, which for some reason whenever I see her, some extreme of an emotion is stirred, so I just took my little baggie out and took a sleeping pill.  Of course I tell myself "Justin, lack of sleep plus a sleeping pills equals overkill," I don't listen, and I end up passing out every ten minutes in my class until I get used to it and just stay awake with the pills in effect.  I came home, lied around, ended up getting really angry so I took two more pills, which is just stupid because nowadays my pills last longer on me which means I just crossed dosages.  So I ended up passing out on my bed and then waking up a half hour later with a throbbing headache and walking around my house like a Zombie.  Oh well, I do these things because if I don't I fear i'm going to kill someone or worse, myself.

Judged in the Name of God - - - -  Ye Art Guilty

Life is a Cruel Mistress.

Judged in the Name of God - - - - Ye Not Guilty

Actually, what I put up there, must be an utter lie.  I believe I am guilty, how so? Let me explain.

My life is getting progressively worse, I love how people say "Oh, It'll get better" and then another bad thing happens.  Yesterday I almost got a two day suspension, but managed to get a saturday detention.  Then in my next class (the teacher who reported me teaches this.) the teacher thought I was proud of it (even though I wasn't, she just cut me off and said I was arrogant.) and stuck me out in the hall, called my parents, and was on the verge of giving me a referral. 

Oh? Not that bad you say?  How about number two?  The fact anyone I could even feasibly be interested in is taken, or perhaps in one instance hates me.

Number three?  How about the fact my only salvation, a summer in NZ, has gotten its dates fucked up, which might mean July 16th- August 9th, compared with last year's June 25th- July 25th.

Life has turned into hell.

I also feel I am losing my sanity, or that is, whenever I'm not drugged up on sleeping pills so I can't feel the near-constant pain (I ended up having to take sleeping pills in fourth class yesterday, and for some reason they managed to semi-last until the beginning of Youth Court).

You hear that? It's the resonant echo that is almost on a constant replay in my head, it's a constant reminder of my pain and sorrow, I don't even know what's happening, and I make it go away with, what else? sleeping pills.  Hello Mr. Ambien, nice to meet you.

It feels as if the only reason keeping me alive is the future, the hope that in 7 3/8 years everything will turn out like I hope it to, hopefully it will.

But I must ask you this-

If I go crazy will you still call me Superman?

He Came from outer space, to save the human race, a creature with a dream... to play for the children of the night.

-From The Nomi Song, Klaus Nomi

Hatred

Hatred

What is it?

Hatred is anger, pain, suffering, sadness, and grief rolled all into one.
And I am filled with it.

Hatred is close to Love, just as Love is close to death.

I am filled with hatred, and it torments me everyday.

I am filled with hatred, but I never wonder why.

I am filled with hatred, and it never changes.

I am filled with hatred, and I demand revenge.

I am filled with hatred, and I fear for your life.

Were You There?

Were you there when the bombs were dropped?

 

Were you there when the cities and their millions of inhabitants were desintegrated in a fraction of a second?

 

Were you there when a billion cries were silenced?

 

Were you there when the day turned black as night and the snow started to fall?

 

Were you there when the TV and Radio broadcasts stopped?

 

Were you there when any sense of a faVade of a government disappeared?

 

Were you there when the lights went out?

 

Were you there when Earth became one with the darkness of space?

 

I know, I was there.

                                                                                                                        

Signed,

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                        Justin

                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                    Dated: July 12, 2009

Survey

Seven things in my room:
1- computer
2- tv
3- bed
4- desk
5- flags
6- globe
7- uh, soviet stuff?

Seven things to do before death:
1- Get Married
2- Move to Europe
3- Get rid of American citizenship
4- have kids
5- get a job
6- uh, live happily ever after?
7- hmm...

Top seven movies:
1- Shaun of the Dead
2- 28 Days Later
3- Kill Bill
4- 8 Crazy Nights
5- hmm
6- uh
7- no clue


Top seven things you say most:
1- Hey
2- Bloody
3- Huzzah
4- Bloody Wanker
5- Soviet
6- hmm
7- let me get back to you on this

Seven facts about you:
1- I am Justin Andrew Willems I of The Kingdom of the Netherlands, The United States of America, and The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
2- I'm short
3- I'm 14
4- I have dual citizenships
5- I've got Moneyz
6- I'm too damned sensitive sometimes
7- I'm trying to form an Underground Organization

Seven things that make you sad:
1- being lonely
2- love
3- VALENTINES DAY
4- the fact that now everyone decides to get in a relationship
5- being stuck here right now
6- eh
7- a lot of you guys?

DO YOU:

Smoke?: no
Read the newspaper?: sometimes
Pray?: on occasion
Gone skinny dipping?: hmmm
Had a medical emergency?: no
Had surgery?: no
Ran away from home?: no
Played strip poker?: nope
Gotten beaten up?: I got punched in the face
Beaten someone up?: punched the fucker in the jaw/cheek
Been on stage?: uh, like those stupid 2nd grade things
Slept outdoors?: yep
Pulled an all nighter?: of course
If yes, what is your record?: one night
Ever made out with a stranger?: no
Been on radio/tv?: does the newspaper count?
Been in a mosh-pit?: kinda
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: ahahah, depends what you think
First kiss?: back in november
Pepsi or coke?: Coke
Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate
Internet or phone?: both
Suicidal?: awhile back
Stubborn?: somewhat
Open-minded?: somewhat
Arrogant?: occasionally
Patient?: not usually
Hyper?: only during school
Nice?: depends who you are
Happy?: I used to be
Shave your head for $1000?: what? I love my hair!

Like candles?: depends what atmosphere they're in (;

Believe in love at first sight?: yeah

Believe in forgiveness?: sometimes
Want to get married?: yea

Want to have kids?: yeah
Ever want to adopt kids?: not really

ABOUT YOU:

[three words that sum you up]: Crazy, Sensitive, Foreign

[jewelry worn daily]: two rings, and a soviet (any, or russian) pin if that counts
[wallet]: Hello people!
[coffee]: not as much now that i've gotten my teeth whitened

[shoes]: New Balance
[cologne/perfume]: no
[clothing you have on]: blue boxers


—IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...—

[cried]: almost
[bought something]: uh, lunch?
[gotten sick]: no
[sang]: hmm, no
[eaten]: c'mon, what kind of question is that?
[been kissed]: nope
[felt stupid]: perhaps
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: don't think so
[seen someone you have a crush on]: nope
[had a serious talk]: no
[missed someone]: yes
[hugged someone]: no
[argued with a parent(s)]: earlier

—SOCIAL LIFE—

[best girl friend]: hmmm, I haven't the slightest, uh Shannon?
[best guy friend]: Jake, Brad, Nick, Mike, Tim, a few others
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: nope
[hobbies]: Spending Moneyz, friends, other stuff
[car you drive]: I want a bloody mini!
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: date
[job]: I have a job waiting for me at circuit city
[church]: synagogue
[like being around people]: yeah

LAST PERSON WHO

. Slept in your bed: well, not sleeping, but lying, Melissa
. Saw you cry: not sure
. Made you cry: That person no longer exists, thank you, have a nice day
. You shared a drink with: hmmm...
. You went to the movies with: Mike, Tim, Ashley, etc.
. You went to the mall with: Nick, Tim
. Yelled at you: Muzzah


HAVE YOU EVER...

. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: I hate you guys so much
. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: all the time
. Wish you were the opposite sex: no not really
. Had an imaginary friend: that voice in the back of my hea... no
. What book are you reading now: uh, The Teaching of Buddha?
. Worst feeling in the world: being alone
. What's under your bed: nothing, since I can't put anything under my bed
. Favorite sport to watch: footie!
. Siblings: none
. College plans: Go to UF, if I get kicked out of the country, Oxford, Utrecht, or Gronigen.
. Piercings/tattoos: Dude, of course not
. Do you do drugs: no
. Do you drink: on occasion
. Who is your best friend: Jake outside school, brad inside school
. What clothes do you sleep in: white t-shirt, boxers
. Where do you want to get married: London perhaps?
. Who do you really hate: Haha, take a guess

STUFF

. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: sorta
. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: It's called getting dumped you insensitive fucks
. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: not really

. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: too many

. Band(s)/Singers/DJ's: The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, AC:DC, Guns N` Roses, Travis, The Jam, The Cult, DJ Tiësto, Paul van Dyk, Ferry Corsten, Eiffel 65, and many more
. Color: Red, Orange, Silver, Blue.

Viaggia Insieme A Me

Today was pretty decent, hung out at Jake/Nick's with them and Mark until Mark and Nick left. Sat around, played video games, surfed the net, ate Pizza. Listened to Jake's parents scream at him about his D in Biology. It was good enough for a saturday I guess. Whatever, I'd consider life good, but there is the definite act of a feminine presence, and there might be a slight doubt about UMF7... Oh well, good enough.


You're a German Tiger Tank (Panzer VI)

You were the backside punter of battlefields. When
Michel Wittman and his crew drove you around like the
blood-thirsty aryans they were, you blew up 273
american/soviet armor units on your own. All
that thanks to a big ass cannon and a
Berlin-Wall thick armor. You did have some
serious drawbacks like costs of production and
complex maintenance but we can't really expect
something else from Germans. Conclusion: You
probably rule.


Which WWII Tank are you ?
brought to you by Quizilla

From New York, London, to Amsterdam... Let's Fuck... I want to Rock Your Body, Rock

It's kind of weird when you consider it, how relative everything truly is, how you can destroy someone's existence in yours if you want to, how you can work to make it seem like they never existed. Ever seen those posters that say "Everything is possible if you set your mind to it!" Well those are correct to a point. I've been trying something and its rather sad when you see your memories destroying themselves "in front of your eyes (Ok, not exactly "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" style)". But we all have our sacrifices to make and I think its time I made mine. For Spring Break we're getting a Flat in Roma and the odds are most definitely favour of me going to UMF7. So woo... Oh, and I'm at jake's right now.

Move Your Body Body, Move Your Mind, Everybody body

Not Much happened today, LTM day, got up late, went to school. Had fun, I pissed brad off by squeezing his broken thumb, if it makes him feel better I'll let him punch my [Supposedly] Broken Rib. Today I also started an effort to form a Russian Mafia/Yakuza Wellington. Right now, other than myself, we have three members, including an overseas agent based in Honolulu. I also found out we're going to Rome for Spring Break (EU again Biznotches!) and that I'll get back on the 25th which means I can go to Ultra Music Festival 7! All I need to see is if Jacob Tibbs, Matt, and Maybe Jacob Haft are in. Heh, I'm turning into a Raver/Techno Junkie, its Neat.

Blue are the People Here who Walk Around

Well I'm back kiddos! Been on a bit of a break, heh. I got a Cell Phone, which is pretty kickass, I got a remote for my iPod, and my mother got a Jaguar. Spring Break this year is going to be awesome. We're either A) Going to London to see my aunt (from NZ) who's at an internet (?) convention/conference, and then heading to either Copenhagen (by plane or train) or to Rome (by plane or train) or B) We're staying here and I'm going to UMF7 with some friends and maybe... *cries* that Maroon 5 concert... why? because considering who we get around here, we should cheer to get Maroon 5... oh and maybe that U2 concert (whenever it is.) Blue (da Ba Dee) reminds me of my past... its interesting... 1999 Biznotches! Catch you guys later.

Woo

Well I cut the lines, and it actually does feel good, tommorrow I'm heading to Jacob Tibbs house, and I'll post about me going to the fair on monday. Wooooo, It's over kiddos.

Hmmm...

Do you see these marks on my arms? You gave me them, not me. Do you sense the part of my mind that destroyed itself everytime I had to numb myself? Not my fault. Do you feel the way I feel everytime I see you and my heart seizes up and my senses all flare? No couldn't be me, couldn't feasibly be. Do you know how I felt when I realized that I was alone and I would never feel your heart beating beside mine again? But in the end it doesn't really matter does it? Nothing matters to you, because I am nothing, I am the wonderful creation of the dregs of modern day society, I am Justin Andrew Willems, but that is all, a name among six billion others, if I disappeared it wouldn't effect everyone, or really anyone for that matter. Well I have new plans, its time to pack my bags and leave, hopefully I'll get my mother to agree to it once she sells the rest of my properties, my father would probably go along with it. I have new plans, on New Years we said to us, and now its to me, it's to NZ Summer `05 and if all goes well, London `06 and all years thereafter. I have nothing holding me back anymore, and if you were smart you should not care when I'm gone. Have a Nice Day.

Yeargh...

Why does my mind not allow me to stop thinking about her? Why does everything I try fail miserably? Why does it seem to stop I'd have to drug myself into a near-catatonic state, which I do not want to do. Why does it seem that god closed my door but didn't open my window? When will this end? When will my parents just move us to London so I can just forget about this place and pretend it never happened. God, if there was any a time I'd rather be in NZ it'd be now...

Nothing

Well I finally got my mom to (Re, as in think about it again, even though she was planning on it anyway)think us moving overseas, which is pretty much good news, even though I'll miss my friends, I do think London or Rotterdam (or my second choice, Liverpool, Ol` Merseyside) would be pretty awesome.  Not much happened this weekend, felt like shit, slept at jakes house for two nights, went to the movies two nights, had parties at jakes including myself, Nick, Jake, Mark, Mike, and Tim, which was pretty awesome, I'm planning on going to the fair tommorrow, which will help me get my mind off things, hopefully, its that, or waiting until Mark gets some percosets, oh well. 

I Can't Sleep Tonight, everybody is saying everything's all right, still I can't close my eyes,  I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these light's... Sunny Days,  oh where have you gone?  I get the strangest feeling... you belong.   Why Does it always rain on me? Is it because I like when I was seventeen?  Why does it always rain on me? Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightnin`  Where did the blue sky go?  Why is it raining so cold... so cold...

Travis- Why Does it Always Rain on Me?

ok ok shut up, I felt like writing that, because I like the song, and its good, especially when you feel like shit.  Oh and apparently the day I got dumped I became a crazed Billy Idol fan, which Jake wants to beat me for.

 

You Are 23 Years Old

23 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

What Age Do You Act?

New Years

Well its another New Year *blows whistle thingy* I spent my New Years with Jessica. We spent time together at my house, before going to a family friend's party, and then went back to my place for midnight. But parents are so bloody hypocritical, they want me to have sex with her, but god forbid we sleep together. I woke up three times that night, partially because I was still pissy at my parents. Today was spent with, guess who, Jessica again. But she ended up having to go at five because she was grounded for not doing the dishes, haha. But all in all, not a bad way to start the New Year.

Wooo, Curacao

I'm in Curacao right now, its about +1 from EST due to daylight savings. Its been pretty good, boring and hot for the past few days, I got here on the twenty-fourth. Got $100 USD and 50 Guilders for Christmas. Mostly been going out then vegging out. Went to Dennys on Christmas and went around Otrabanda, and then went to a party christmas night, that was awesome, it was at the place overlooking the harbour. Went to the Yacht Club near our weekend house yesterday, and today we drove around, went to Punda... twice (first time earlier couldn't find a parking spot, so we went back later.). Firecrackers went on sale today! Awesome! There are firecrackers/fireworks going off on the entire island, you can hear them, its like a warzone, and as we near New Years it will just get worse... wooo! Tonight we were setting off a lot, a whole carpet too. So yeah, my ears hurt, its been awesome, but I am looking forward to coming back on the thirty-first. So yeah, I'll see you guys soon.

Jessica, Exams, and the Wonderfulness of Footie

Today I had Geometry and Debate for exams, Geometry was easy, and Debate wasn't an exam. Exam week has been a bitch, but hey, more time out of school. I got a Digital Camera yesterday, its pretty neat. Today I went to Jessica's after school. Luckily for me, they have digital cable which meant one thing... Fox Sports World baby. I watched Sky Sports News (Sky News is essentially the English CNN) and then the beginning of a game between Werder Bremen and Bayern Munich (German Bundesliga... eh). We then did other random stuff, and then to my luck, there was a Manchester United (woo!) and Crystal Palace game at three. Sadly though, my favourite player, Ruud van Nistelrooy, was out on a hamstring (?) injury. Manchester United still beat Crystal Palace (one of the seven London Clubs, it just recently came back into the Premiership from one of the secondary leagues.) 5-2. To my luck, I got Jessica into footie, so hopefully we'll have another Manchester United/Ajax Amsterdam fan going around. I have Biology and Spanish II exams tommorrow, uhoh. Today was a good day though.